last day contact with each other

i choose to leave my comfort zone in order  to have more challenging life..
but 2nd reason that lead me to this decision was that jerk...
we have great memories before this...
but i choose to believes that he doesn't really love me...
i choose not to contact with each others...
i know he wont find me anymore, he will hold his own principles tight..
i asked him to block me, but he choose not to...instead he said this as our last chat...
: thanks and sorry. if anything u need help, u can find me...
the only things he can help me is to block me..
haha...that is what i told him...
never let me have the chance to find him...but since he cant do it, den i shall do it..
i blocked him, i deleted him..but i know i wont forget his number for meanwhile..
i will never need to watch cctv to see whether he is late for work..
i will never hear the voice of him...
i will never need to hear the sound of his footstep and when he open up shoe cabinet...
we will not have anythings that are necessary to keep us contact with each other...
honestly, deep inside my heart still believe he is a good guy but he is not the right guy for me...
i know if he promise, den he will keep his promise...
i know this apply the same as how he love a gal...
but i m not that women he wanted...
i m just a replacement after all..
my heart seems to be in hospital now...
how long it will take me to recover?

if he loves u, he is a good guy, but if he is not, then he is a jerk

is been one year for me to come back here...
although knowing that friends around are no more in blogger...
but still, like to post story of life here...
nothing much...
just meeting up a jerk..
actually, he is very sweet guy...
just he is a jerk when he doesn't have any feeling to u...
again, meeting up with a leo...
i m always been surrounded by leo..
he said: be careful if u been bite by leo..
but i m just a bottle (aquarius)...leo cant bite me...
den he said: if he cant, den he will spoil u...
ya rite...den he will dump me a side rite???
he agreed..
actually, i know i m not important to him...
include my feelings...
is just a one sided of me...
new friends around say the same things again...
are u a psycho?to keep on hurting urself...
i think so...maybe i really need to meet psychologist...
honestly, when only i can found the one who is going to protect me instead of using me??
honestly, i really have a bad sight of looking on guy..

我。学。会。了

我学会了不去诉苦，
我学会了就算再好的朋友也会对你厌倦，
我学会了累是没有必要跟你无关系的人说， 许然他只不过是朋友。
八年不是那么重要，重点是当我不小心跨了而波坏这段友情。
一切已经过去， 也让我知道原来我是一个让人家那么累的人。
（其实我也很累）
我也学会了不去解释任何事情因为解释也是一件很累的事情。。。
本人是一个很敏感， 固执， 脾气暴躁但我诚实，坦白。
（身边了解我的人都知道我是一个不会伪装自己情绪的人所以我不是合当演员-哈哈）
所以我不介意在我人生中的过客。。。
懂我， 了解我的人是不会介意我的不小心。。。
但是当我觉得你已经对我不耐烦的时候， 我就懂我该这么做了。。。
我会换回给你的自由。。。
谢谢你来过， 谢谢你一路以来的陪伴
很抱歉，我的改变让你累了，但我已经不懂以前的我在你面前是怎样的人了。。。

is just matter about let it go or to carry on the challenges...

although i m not really confident whether i m a good leader or just good in managing,
i plan to go my life slowly and achieve step by step...
learn step by step instead of taking big step forward...
thx for him to clear up my mind...
he is always the 1 who i could discuss in making critical decision...
always the 1 that appear in my mind when i face critical condition...
lucky he does not ignore me...
hehe...thanks again...
---------------------------------------------------------
is last day of 2014,
malaysia isn't in a good condition rite???
too much airplane incident that involve malaysia..
flood that are critical from 1 place to another place...
lots of life fly away just like that...
GST introduction that could be a burden to consumer in malaysia?
government leadership that are isn't bringing much better life to its people...
wish for better 2015...
aja fighting!!!

this year ain't a good year..

so much deaths happening these days...
airplane, car accident, and my aunt death cause of cancer...
just few months back my uncle back, then comes my aunt that death for the exactly 49days now...
but that is the negative site of what i see from this year...
although all this happened, still there is cycle of life happening isn't??
my 2nd sis bring a new daughter to this world...
my result isn't that bad...
learn to self satisfied, do not demand too much, accept what u have... (zhi zhu)
the new semester gonna start in just few days...
is a new semester and last semester...
no matter what happened, i have to be fully concentrated in this last semester so that i could avoid from paying the study loan...
aim for cgpa 3.67 only...
keep it up...
no matter i get it or not (3.67), maintain to be positive mind...
this sem break i choose to not having any job because is a last sem break...
after this is intern life, then will be working life liao...
"aja, fighting"

Ridiculous

suddenly read back my post and found out that i m really ridiculous...

miserable in my living style??

why i found my life ridiculous and miserable???

deep in my heart know that i cant bear it...

my friend ask me before, 

ur life isn't challenging enough...

why dun just accept what that comes to u in ur love world??

this is what i said again:

i know what i dislike, that's why i dun wish to continue...

my mum asking me again,

why i keep someone that does not love me so hard in my heart??

this is what i told my mum:

just let me keep him for few more years...

he is the 1 who makes ur daughter strong...

he is the 1 who motivated ur daughter...

although i know both of us are from different world, and is impossible for us..

aquarius people does not know what they like, but they clearly know what they dislike off...

ur birthday is around the corner again...

happy birthday to u...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

roughly 19 days to go for holiday trip...

exam in this 5th semester seems to go really smoothly...

only concentrate on my own studies sometimes watching movie or runningman with my friends in order to take a break...

eliminate all those unnecessary worries, and outside world...

staying in dorm to study, went out to empty classes alone to memorize...

waiting for result....

although all the papers seems like i know how to do it...

but quite scared that i over confident....

miss him again for this few days....

honestly i dunno why he had such big influence on me..
one of my fren say: try to accept others
but when i had try to accept still he is influence me...
i dun like ppl who just let me the way i m...
i dun like boring relationship....
maybe ppl will feel i m mental sick or hopes on love...
cause sometimes i said to live alone, but at the same times ppl may feel i m keep looking for my prince...
yesterday my fren remind me, after u loose someone only u will know how importance that person is to u...
执着....
he is the one who will make me go forward...
he is the one who will make me feel to be strong...
he is the one who teach me a lot...
maybe need few more years to forget him ba....
i hope i could live in another world....
so that i wont think of him again...
i hope he could find his life partner faster...
i hope he found his happiness....
who could makes me totally forget him???

death~~~

my uncle (brother on my mother side) had pass away recently...
to be honest last time i m quite envy and felt happiness because of his relationships...
my aunt (his wife) unable to walk properly because they are aging...
remember when their smallest son get married that time, where they are required to go on stage...
my uncle hold my aunt hand tight and strong to become her walking stick to walk on stage...
always take care of his wife...
for me it is a sweet things when growth old...
now, my aunt have to lives her life without him anymore...
it must be very hurt her, while staying together for such a long time, ed used to the existent of each other, how she going to gone through this??
going back soon to the memorial...
life cycle....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
recently watch that Jang Ok Jung...
is quite a nice story based on true story...
no matter how hard girls around try to seduce the majesty, the majesty heart is only belong to his only 1 beloved...
and his beloved heart only belong to him and do accept every blame in order to let him have a convenient in political...
and the majesty trying his very best to protect her, and never let go her...
everyone know the majesty will be in very pain if she die...
but that beloved choose to die although majesty had set up to sent her away...
she coming back to choose death in order to protect the majesty and her son after she confirmed with majesty that he will raise him up to be the great majesty like he do now
the ost song really match it...

What i Beliefs....

i Believes god know what is the best for us...
i Believes god know what happened on us in future...
i know god understand me more than i understand myself...
i know decision making is on us...
we hold the fate changes at the same time i believes everything are destined....
i may superstitious...i know it..
in every aspect, i m trying my best to do all the best i can do...
in every aspect, people may require me only do a 50% afford, but i will do up to 80%...
in every aspect, if i m willing, then i will put my effort on it...
yet only 1 aspect which i dun wish to put was love relationship between a girl and boy...
love isn't everything for me right now...
freedom, achievement, dreams are important for me..
people said that every guy will becomes a kid in front of their lover...
it is common...
but for me, i will observe in what aspect...
cause if every aspect it become my burden...
as my cousin also predict that this relation wont stay long because he feel i m not that in love and does not respecting him nor our relation...
now i understand why...hahaXD...
family love is the only love which cant be broken...
this is what i know...
end of story bout love...
continues assignment... (i must be crazy to do research methodology mini thesis assignment by myself in order to know well in every aspect of the content...lol)
hoping everything go smooth this semester although having 2 new lecturer that i never face or never deal before....

it does not take me a lot of time to recover....

the previous relation which only takes 20+ days does not taking my time for long....
maybe deep in my heart ed realize....
he is good in tolerating and try to understanding me in all aspect...
but there is 1more things....
ppl who know me well should know,
i may look strong,
i may look independent,
i may look tough,
yet i also wish i could depend on ppl...
he may thought that we are understand each other enough cause he random have friendship which is more than 2years...
i can guess his heart easily...
but how much he understand me?
i not sure...
aquarius isn't that easy to be understand...
maybe i also not understand myself well enough...
maybe i m really that kind of ppl which last time my 3rd bro said... (qi shi zhe zhong ren hen li hai)
although i m almost forget the content...
but title of blog seems wont be forgotten that easily... (maybe because of it, wat i know is my heart is pain even for that title itself- "jinja apayo")
i think it was a post that criticized me, saying i m pretended?
cant really remember...cause from wat i understand bout him last time is, he feel i m pretending de ba...
i cant say past is past...
i will just say i will move forward...
back to that relation de guy...
he would just look like a kid to let me worry...
maybe i m still not used to be 2 ppl lifes ba...
ws said this: it need to be train...and who else could be accept ur weirdos o??
to ws, although my lunar age is 25, yet according to the real year i m 23 ok???
still young...
still long way to go...
still have a lot of things to fight off...
i dun wish to get myself slow down and enjoy for now...
--------------------------------------------------
tomolo going back to study life liao...
going to meet the same lecturer which her subject i get C+ last time...
i told her this before: i rather u failed me, but dun let me get a C+...because of ur subject all my pointer is been drag of...
been rude to that lecturer isn't?
great....
going to meet her again and see how she gonna torture me...
all senior say she is a cockroach (xiao qiang) that cannot die no matter how many semester de senior had complain bout her...
still her backup are thick enough... :(

fate~

my mum recently like to ask me:
why are u always fall when u in critical exam?
i hate when u fall each time like this...
this is what my mum say to me...
yes, i m back to single life again now...
the main obstacle which both of us (that guy and me) are the obstacles which we respect the most...
god arrangement....
the 2nd relationship (relationship which both parties agree to be couple) end in just 20+ days...
remember last time my tuition tutor told me that i cant involved in relationship...
cause guy will cheat on me...
this time, he dint cheat but just god arrangement being our 1st obstacle...
i m not doing well for my exam...
get another c+ for 1 of the subject...
now cgpa becoming 3.45...
left only 2 semester for me to fight over 3.67 in order to get a 1st class degree hons...
yes, this is my aim...
maybe i m greedy...
maybe i m not measuring my own abilities...
but at least i told myself fight until the end...
not to regret in the future...
yet at the same time i told myself that if i cant get is ok...
just pay the loan..
my mum is worried about me too...
maybe this is really 1st time she seeing me study so hard to get it...
all this while when i was SPM nor STPM, i wont study much instead having myself more on drama...
now what i need is CONCENTRATION, FOCUS ONLY ON STUDY....
back to study life again on 17th feb...
clear off everything, to face a new sem again...
study, assignment and so on...

17th January 2014

a new year, new starting of my life...
how i m moving on, how i m leaving to search for my prince...
yup...i get it liao...
today is the 7th day...
all this while we are sweet...(re lian qi??)
but today we keep argue, keep fighting...
where i m not feeling well...
i told him everything without secret and i also tell him y i m not feeling well...
he is understanding, supporting, loving, respecting everything i done, decision i make...
maybe readers may feel everything will be ok when in "re lian qi"...
i m also waiting how long he will stay with me...
he say i like to talk bout some sort like break up stuff...
i wish told him, i m saying this so that i wont totally happy and prepare a heart if he leave me 1day....
he also asked what he should do, to prove he wont leave me?and will love me until i ask him to leave?
just maintain like this ba...being cute, understanding, supporting and loving me always...
i cant feel the safeness is my own confident which is low on love...
my past relationship does not bring a good result for me...
all this while i just know how to an lian ppl but dunno how to dating...
i feel i will makes my lover tired easily...
and if u tired, i will feel the pain also...
so i wish to see u get ur happiness even without me...
this is me...all this while...
but i realize, if i keep thinking he will get happiness when leave me will make him more sad and tired ba...
so, i promise to try my best not to mention liao...
i will try my best to be confident which i also can give him happiness...
i told him before: when i confirm my feeling ed, den i will never leave u until u told me u love someone else, no feeling or god arrangement...
we r not in stable relation yet...
2more obstacles we need to go through...
one of it is my studies...(if i can concentrate den we goes on, if cant den we break up-he is respecting and understand me, he also worried bout my education...hehe)
after i can went through these obstacles den we will officially together liao...
thanks for loving me...
thanks for giving me happiness...
thanks for understanding me...
thanks for respecting me...
thanks for supporting me...
i try my best to go through the obstacles so that we can create more memories when study time o~
hehe^^

unsafe feeling~

have a nice holiday with junior and senior...

where it also develop a strong friendship between us...

strong connection between us...

is a sweet and good memory...

but i feel myself will going to the dangerous zone...

my junior treat me very nice...

nice until sometimes i feel we are not just a friend...

maybe outsider will feel we are couple ba...

lean on shoulder, massage each other, persuade each other if 1 of us get angry...

very care each other not only health but feeling...

dislike his temper...cause his temper not good at all (same like me)...

but he change a lot because of me or not i not sure...

a lot a lot of things that we understand each other...

main point: am i fall to 1 sided love again?

i m tired....heart feel sour...heart wan to avoid the impossible things...

tears fall down whenever think it will break the friendship...

aquarius ppl always makes ppl who she or he love tired...

this is also 1 reason i dun wan start a new relationship...

i need concentration to move on my life...

need to settle up this messy feeling by this sem break...

tired so what?

life wont goes as smooth as we planned...
assignment, midterm....this past 2 year life..
i cant demand much on assignment, i cant hope high quality of assignment...
some people would feel i over demand of the quality of assignment
some people would feel i giving stress to my own only...
no matter how people think of me, there is a common...
i m strong, tough people...
honestly, did i?
even my lecturer ask me to loosen myself...
does not need to be so stubborn and tight myself too hard...
i can get tired sometime,
i can playing really mad sometime...
what i told my lecturer was i dont wish to loosen myself...
when we demand on ourselves of doing something means we are pushing ourselves to the goal...
i cant sure that i m in the right track to treat myself like this...
will i loose myself again?
or i m ed losing the past of me?
what i can say is, i m just doing what i can do and responsibility that i should do....
when i tired, people hardly found out the truth tired inside my heart...
they just will make assumptions from my physical...
being tough is just to protect myself and being independent...
so i wont stop by for a long time...
maybe i will just stop by for few days den i will push myself again...
tired cant make us solve the problem we need to face, cant solve the dateline of assignment...
so what i can do is just try my best to completed all before all the things trying to bumped up with me....
tired?
so what...
life is still goes on, time is till moving, earth is still circling...

is still awkward....

we met up...
but still awkward...
he is still silent as last time after we fought...
actually i plan to write in the other blog but i cant even delete the blog now and update that blog cause i forgotten the password...
am i still pretending???
i guess so...:)
is him more comfortable, talkactive in the other groups he join???
my feeling on this guy is it gone???
3years....
did i face it??
am i stubborn not to face it??
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what i write above is not related to the below pic donghae...
below is someone that i really mad of....( as fans- cause he is just someone will only appear in dreams)
i really wait for them to came Malaysia....
sometimes even dream to see them face by face....
why is there someone with such good looking guy??
and a lot of nonsense dream appear in mind...
open twitter and weibo because of them...
really abnormal am i???
hahaXD...

he is so shining, too bright like a star,

he is far from reality world that i have been....

hope he get his happiness asap with someone he love....

你好吗？how are u?

this word is been ask by my ex and he also is my 1st love...
i guess both of us have more than 1year dint contact each other ba...
the last message that i ask him was will he come to my birthday party...
thats all...
after that we dint contact each other liao...
suddenly pass few days he ask me in fb:
how are u?
is really shocked me when i see it...
i was thinking which fellow using his account to chat with me or his account been hacked...
hahaXD...
i dunno what source or reason make him to think of me...
out of sudden...
from the other blog i also got said bout him last time and wat i curious bout he and me...
just pass few days only get the ans for the question that i keep in my heart...
and he also know how i feel last time...
cause for me now, past is past...
so everything is ok to let him see...
but just because of that i realize that another blog i dint update for almost 2years or 3years liao...
and now only i realize that i forget the password ed...
wat i should do???
i hope u really dint mind bout wat i write in the other blog...
dun worry i will live well...
sincerely wish u to be happy...
and waiting for ur big news too...
cause i believe that u will get married before me...
hahaXD

maybe when u play this song den only see my latest story???perhaps, it will bring more feel when reading

just let me maintain to be like this for 2years...

i m very emotive person...
easily cried for a drama...
maybe i had put myself on that cast & drama story...
recently watch please take care of us, captain...(or please captain)
is a korean 2012 drama...
maybe i m too late???
today i had finish watch it...
and realize i actually cried quite a lot...
no matter is the difficulties on main cast or any cameo...
the most i remember is ep 17, where a steward father cant remember the past....
a person that very important and cant remember the person who miss them section...
someone that u respect a lot, love and caring a lot...
even his father cant remember him, but he will always remember his father...
and even his father forget him, his father is still protect his own son although he just thought his own son as brother (hyung)...
how sad will be his son, when his own father cant even recognize him...
while he is trying to let his father to remember...
this part is the part that i cried the most...
当你最在意，最爱，最重要的人遗忘你-（那个感觉）
just let me be like this, be a crybaby because of movie, drama and etc...
be a kids that never grow up for this 2years even i m 22 years old now...
after 2years, i will find the best way to let myself happy...
although now i also quite happiness because of family...
hehe^^

公主不可望白马王子的出现了。。。

the princess doest not know when it start...

she does not hope anything about love...

she does not hope anything about fairy tales that there is a prince could bare with her....

she used to be doing things alone...

cause it was much more convenience....

the princess does not know when it start...

that fairy tales always have its happy ending...

like what she said before prince live in castle like a prisoner...

the princess does not know when will the prince come out...

so she learn to be independent all the times...

maybe all the obstacles that she face after loosing a watchman by her side make her to learn...

that everything depend on herselves...

never ever hope there is someone could save her when in troubles...

there is a lot of people would think that this princess are lonely...

but actually this princess dint feel that...

she is now happy with the environment...

she having a very caring family while she was travelling her worlds now...

the princess now are numb about love...

the princess now are numb to depend on others....

the princess now are numb to hope the prince will come out...

the princess are numb to be alone...

the princess are numb to be independent...

the princess are used to the environment now...^v^

::suddenly feel like want to write story, hope it wont be boring::

the 2nd old folks home i went??

it was a chinese society club activities..
just because my college having little amount of chinese people so we are automatically added to this club...
9 dec we went to old folks at seremban called tong sim old folks home....
i realize it was totally different with the 1st wan i went at klang past few years ago....
cause this old folks seems to be more unclean den the old folks at klang...
a lot of dust, rust things that we need to clean up...
---------------------------------------------------------------
got 1 grandpa is quite quiet but keep looking at us when u do ur job...
got 1 grandma is keep nagging non stop whenever she start talking (cute when she keep talking and smiling)
got 1 grandma is just like head of all of them, where she also opened up the door for us to go in....( she know more than 4language, indian, mandarin, cantonese, hakka, teochew, malay.... her name call lai peng, i called her "peng jie"

<------1st group="group" p="p">
just wish to clean up all the strings as clean as possible----->





i having quite a lot of conversation with peng jie...
i also try to talk to zhu jie...(she having hearing problem, hard to hear what we said but she is cute keep smiling with me^^)
peng jie having diabetes like my grandpa also...
i also shared drink with her, cause she wan to test the soya drink but i not sure she can drink or not so i told her, u cut it and i drink half for u and she just try a little bit in her cup... (yi ren yi ban, gan qing bu hui shan-in hokkien she said) den the environment laugh ^^
when clean up the chair string i just wan to clean it as clean as possible to let it looks new...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
the day before having this old folks was my sem dinner where we combine with sem 1 students...
erm, i joined to dance but i did mistake beside the stage...so shameful....
1st time dance in crowd....lol...
my mum said my make up look nice, but shoulder very big.... (lol...i know...but i dunno how to make it slim)
1st time i m using fake eye lash from elianto...

quiet nice, can be accepted...hahaXD

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

before the dinner, friday i slept 6 in the morning wake up at 7.50am having class till 1230pm den class continue from 3pm to 6 near 7pm... (take a nap at 130pm to 245pm)

after that having meeting for cs, and go for dance practice after know what they wan to discuss in meeting....

after dance, play fb a while den go sleep near 2am ba... 

this cause the panda eyes bigger day by day...