death~~~

my uncle (brother on my mother side) had pass away recently...
to be honest last time i m quite envy and felt happiness because of his relationships...
my aunt (his wife) unable to walk properly because they are aging...
remember when their smallest son get married that time, where they are required to go on stage...
my uncle hold my aunt hand tight and strong to become her walking stick to walk on stage...
always take care of his wife...
for me it is a sweet things when growth old...
now, my aunt have to lives her life without him anymore...
it must be very hurt her, while staying together for such a long time, ed used to the existent of each other, how she going to gone through this??
going back soon to the memorial...
life cycle....
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recently watch that Jang Ok Jung...
is quite a nice story based on true story...
no matter how hard girls around try to seduce the majesty, the majesty heart is only belong to his only 1 beloved...
and his beloved heart only belong to him and do accept every blame in order to let him have a convenient in political...
and the majesty trying his very best to protect her, and never let go her...
everyone know the majesty will be in very pain if she die...
but that beloved choose to die although majesty had set up to sent her away...
she coming back to choose death in order to protect the majesty and her son after she confirmed with majesty that he will raise him up to be the great majesty like he do now
the ost song really match it...

What i Beliefs....

i Believes god know what is the best for us...
i Believes god know what happened on us in future...
i know god understand me more than i understand myself...
i know decision making is on us...
we hold the fate changes at the same time i believes everything are destined....
i may superstitious...i know it..
in every aspect, i m trying my best to do all the best i can do...
in every aspect, people may require me only do a 50% afford, but i will do up to 80%...
in every aspect, if i m willing, then i will put my effort on it...
yet only 1 aspect which i dun wish to put was love relationship between a girl and boy...
love isn't everything for me right now...
freedom, achievement, dreams are important for me..
people said that every guy will becomes a kid in front of their lover...
it is common...
but for me, i will observe in what aspect...
cause if every aspect it become my burden...
as my cousin also predict that this relation wont stay long because he feel i m not that in love and does not respecting him nor our relation...
now i understand why...hahaXD...
family love is the only love which cant be broken...
this is what i know...
end of story bout love...
continues assignment... (i must be crazy to do research methodology mini thesis assignment by myself in order to know well in every aspect of the content...lol)
hoping everything go smooth this semester although having 2 new lecturer that i never face or never deal before....

it does not take me a lot of time to recover....

the previous relation which only takes 20+ days does not taking my time for long....
maybe deep in my heart ed realize....
he is good in tolerating and try to understanding me in all aspect...
but there is 1more things....
ppl who know me well should know,
i may look strong,
i may look independent,
i may look tough,
yet i also wish i could depend on ppl...
he may thought that we are understand each other enough cause he random have friendship which is more than 2years...
i can guess his heart easily...
but how much he understand me?
i not sure...
aquarius isn't that easy to be understand...
maybe i also not understand myself well enough...
maybe i m really that kind of ppl which last time my 3rd bro said... (qi shi zhe zhong ren hen li hai)
although i m almost forget the content...
but title of blog seems wont be forgotten that easily... (maybe because of it, wat i know is my heart is pain even for that title itself- "jinja apayo")
i think it was a post that criticized me, saying i m pretended?
cant really remember...cause from wat i understand bout him last time is, he feel i m pretending de ba...
i cant say past is past...
i will just say i will move forward...
back to that relation de guy...
he would just look like a kid to let me worry...
maybe i m still not used to be 2 ppl lifes ba...
ws said this: it need to be train...and who else could be accept ur weirdos o??
to ws, although my lunar age is 25, yet according to the real year i m 23 ok???
still young...
still long way to go...
still have a lot of things to fight off...
i dun wish to get myself slow down and enjoy for now...
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tomolo going back to study life liao...
going to meet the same lecturer which her subject i get C+ last time...
i told her this before: i rather u failed me, but dun let me get a C+...because of ur subject all my pointer is been drag of...
been rude to that lecturer isn't?
great....
going to meet her again and see how she gonna torture me...
all senior say she is a cockroach (xiao qiang) that cannot die no matter how many semester de senior had complain bout her...
still her backup are thick enough... :(

fate~

my mum recently like to ask me:
why are u always fall when u in critical exam?
i hate when u fall each time like this...
this is what my mum say to me...
yes, i m back to single life again now...
the main obstacle which both of us (that guy and me) are the obstacles which we respect the most...
god arrangement....
the 2nd relationship (relationship which both parties agree to be couple) end in just 20+ days...
remember last time my tuition tutor told me that i cant involved in relationship...
cause guy will cheat on me...
this time, he dint cheat but just god arrangement being our 1st obstacle...
i m not doing well for my exam...
get another c+ for 1 of the subject...
now cgpa becoming 3.45...
left only 2 semester for me to fight over 3.67 in order to get a 1st class degree hons...
yes, this is my aim...
maybe i m greedy...
maybe i m not measuring my own abilities...
but at least i told myself fight until the end...
not to regret in the future...
yet at the same time i told myself that if i cant get is ok...
just pay the loan..
my mum is worried about me too...
maybe this is really 1st time she seeing me study so hard to get it...
all this while when i was SPM nor STPM, i wont study much instead having myself more on drama...
now what i need is CONCENTRATION, FOCUS ONLY ON STUDY....
back to study life again on 17th feb...
clear off everything, to face a new sem again...
study, assignment and so on...

17th January 2014

a new year, new starting of my life...
how i m moving on, how i m leaving to search for my prince...
yup...i get it liao...
today is the 7th day...
all this while we are sweet...(re lian qi??)
but today we keep argue, keep fighting...
where i m not feeling well...
i told him everything without secret and i also tell him y i m not feeling well...
he is understanding, supporting, loving, respecting everything i done, decision i make...
maybe readers may feel everything will be ok when in "re lian qi"...
i m also waiting how long he will stay with me...
he say i like to talk bout some sort like break up stuff...
i wish told him, i m saying this so that i wont totally happy and prepare a heart if he leave me 1day....
he also asked what he should do, to prove he wont leave me?and will love me until i ask him to leave?
just maintain like this ba...being cute, understanding, supporting and loving me always...
i cant feel the safeness is my own confident which is low on love...
my past relationship does not bring a good result for me...
all this while i just know how to an lian ppl but dunno how to dating...
i feel i will makes my lover tired easily...
and if u tired, i will feel the pain also...
so i wish to see u get ur happiness even without me...
this is me...all this while...
but i realize, if i keep thinking he will get happiness when leave me will make him more sad and tired ba...
so, i promise to try my best not to mention liao...
i will try my best to be confident which i also can give him happiness...
i told him before: when i confirm my feeling ed, den i will never leave u until u told me u love someone else, no feeling or god arrangement...
we r not in stable relation yet...
2more obstacles we need to go through...
one of it is my studies...(if i can concentrate den we goes on, if cant den we break up-he is respecting and understand me, he also worried bout my education...hehe)
after i can went through these obstacles den we will officially together liao...
thanks for loving me...
thanks for giving me happiness...
thanks for understanding me...
thanks for respecting me...
thanks for supporting me...
i try my best to go through the obstacles so that we can create more memories when study time o~
hehe^^

unsafe feeling~

have a nice holiday with junior and senior...

where it also develop a strong friendship between us...

strong connection between us...

is a sweet and good memory...

but i feel myself will going to the dangerous zone...

my junior treat me very nice...

nice until sometimes i feel we are not just a friend...

maybe outsider will feel we are couple ba...

lean on shoulder, massage each other, persuade each other if 1 of us get angry...

very care each other not only health but feeling...

dislike his temper...cause his temper not good at all (same like me)...

but he change a lot because of me or not i not sure...

a lot a lot of things that we understand each other...

main point: am i fall to 1 sided love again?

i m tired....heart feel sour...heart wan to avoid the impossible things...

tears fall down whenever think it will break the friendship...

aquarius ppl always makes ppl who she or he love tired...

this is also 1 reason i dun wan start a new relationship...

i need concentration to move on my life...

need to settle up this messy feeling by this sem break...

tired so what?

life wont goes as smooth as we planned...
assignment, midterm....this past 2 year life..
i cant demand much on assignment, i cant hope high quality of assignment...
some people would feel i over demand of the quality of assignment
some people would feel i giving stress to my own only...
no matter how people think of me, there is a common...
i m strong, tough people...
honestly, did i?
even my lecturer ask me to loosen myself...
does not need to be so stubborn and tight myself too hard...
i can get tired sometime,
i can playing really mad sometime...
what i told my lecturer was i dont wish to loosen myself...
when we demand on ourselves of doing something means we are pushing ourselves to the goal...
i cant sure that i m in the right track to treat myself like this...
will i loose myself again?
or i m ed losing the past of me?
what i can say is, i m just doing what i can do and responsibility that i should do....
when i tired, people hardly found out the truth tired inside my heart...
they just will make assumptions from my physical...
being tough is just to protect myself and being independent...
so i wont stop by for a long time...
maybe i will just stop by for few days den i will push myself again...
tired cant make us solve the problem we need to face, cant solve the dateline of assignment...
so what i can do is just try my best to completed all before all the things trying to bumped up with me....
tired?
so what...
life is still goes on, time is till moving, earth is still circling...