is just matter about let it go or to carry on the challenges...

although i m not really confident whether i m a good leader or just good in managing,
i plan to go my life slowly and achieve step by step...
learn step by step instead of taking big step forward...
thx for him to clear up my mind...
he is always the 1 who i could discuss in making critical decision...
always the 1 that appear in my mind when i face critical condition...
lucky he does not ignore me...
hehe...thanks again...
---------------------------------------------------------
is last day of 2014,
malaysia isn't in a good condition rite???
too much airplane incident that involve malaysia..
flood that are critical from 1 place to another place...
lots of life fly away just like that...
GST introduction that could be a burden to consumer in malaysia?
government leadership that are isn't bringing much better life to its people...
wish for better 2015...
aja fighting!!!

this year ain't a good year..

so much deaths happening these days...
airplane, car accident, and my aunt death cause of cancer...
just few months back my uncle back, then comes my aunt that death for the exactly 49days now...
but that is the negative site of what i see from this year...
although all this happened, still there is cycle of life happening isn't??
my 2nd sis bring a new daughter to this world...
my result isn't that bad...
learn to self satisfied, do not demand too much, accept what u have... (zhi zhu)
the new semester gonna start in just few days...
is a new semester and last semester...
no matter what happened, i have to be fully concentrated in this last semester so that i could avoid from paying the study loan...
aim for cgpa 3.67 only...
keep it up...
no matter i get it or not (3.67), maintain to be positive mind...
this sem break i choose to not having any job because is a last sem break...
after this is intern life, then will be working life liao...
"aja, fighting"

Ridiculous

suddenly read back my post and found out that i m really ridiculous...

miserable in my living style??

why i found my life ridiculous and miserable???

deep in my heart know that i cant bear it...

my friend ask me before, 

ur life isn't challenging enough...

why dun just accept what that comes to u in ur love world??

this is what i said again:

i know what i dislike, that's why i dun wish to continue...

my mum asking me again,

why i keep someone that does not love me so hard in my heart??

this is what i told my mum:

just let me keep him for few more years...

he is the 1 who makes ur daughter strong...

he is the 1 who motivated ur daughter...

although i know both of us are from different world, and is impossible for us..

aquarius people does not know what they like, but they clearly know what they dislike off...

ur birthday is around the corner again...

happy birthday to u...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

roughly 19 days to go for holiday trip...

exam in this 5th semester seems to go really smoothly...

only concentrate on my own studies sometimes watching movie or runningman with my friends in order to take a break...

eliminate all those unnecessary worries, and outside world...

staying in dorm to study, went out to empty classes alone to memorize...

waiting for result....

although all the papers seems like i know how to do it...

but quite scared that i over confident....

miss him again for this few days....

honestly i dunno why he had such big influence on me..
one of my fren say: try to accept others
but when i had try to accept still he is influence me...
i dun like ppl who just let me the way i m...
i dun like boring relationship....
maybe ppl will feel i m mental sick or hopes on love...
cause sometimes i said to live alone, but at the same times ppl may feel i m keep looking for my prince...
yesterday my fren remind me, after u loose someone only u will know how importance that person is to u...
执着....
he is the one who will make me go forward...
he is the one who will make me feel to be strong...
he is the one who teach me a lot...
maybe need few more years to forget him ba....
i hope i could live in another world....
so that i wont think of him again...
i hope he could find his life partner faster...
i hope he found his happiness....
who could makes me totally forget him???

death~~~

my uncle (brother on my mother side) had pass away recently...
to be honest last time i m quite envy and felt happiness because of his relationships...
my aunt (his wife) unable to walk properly because they are aging...
remember when their smallest son get married that time, where they are required to go on stage...
my uncle hold my aunt hand tight and strong to become her walking stick to walk on stage...
always take care of his wife...
for me it is a sweet things when growth old...
now, my aunt have to lives her life without him anymore...
it must be very hurt her, while staying together for such a long time, ed used to the existent of each other, how she going to gone through this??
going back soon to the memorial...
life cycle....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
recently watch that Jang Ok Jung...
is quite a nice story based on true story...
no matter how hard girls around try to seduce the majesty, the majesty heart is only belong to his only 1 beloved...
and his beloved heart only belong to him and do accept every blame in order to let him have a convenient in political...
and the majesty trying his very best to protect her, and never let go her...
everyone know the majesty will be in very pain if she die...
but that beloved choose to die although majesty had set up to sent her away...
she coming back to choose death in order to protect the majesty and her son after she confirmed with majesty that he will raise him up to be the great majesty like he do now
the ost song really match it...

What i Beliefs....

i Believes god know what is the best for us...
i Believes god know what happened on us in future...
i know god understand me more than i understand myself...
i know decision making is on us...
we hold the fate changes at the same time i believes everything are destined....
i may superstitious...i know it..
in every aspect, i m trying my best to do all the best i can do...
in every aspect, people may require me only do a 50% afford, but i will do up to 80%...
in every aspect, if i m willing, then i will put my effort on it...
yet only 1 aspect which i dun wish to put was love relationship between a girl and boy...
love isn't everything for me right now...
freedom, achievement, dreams are important for me..
people said that every guy will becomes a kid in front of their lover...
it is common...
but for me, i will observe in what aspect...
cause if every aspect it become my burden...
as my cousin also predict that this relation wont stay long because he feel i m not that in love and does not respecting him nor our relation...
now i understand why...hahaXD...
family love is the only love which cant be broken...
this is what i know...
end of story bout love...
continues assignment... (i must be crazy to do research methodology mini thesis assignment by myself in order to know well in every aspect of the content...lol)
hoping everything go smooth this semester although having 2 new lecturer that i never face or never deal before....

it does not take me a lot of time to recover....

the previous relation which only takes 20+ days does not taking my time for long....
maybe deep in my heart ed realize....
he is good in tolerating and try to understanding me in all aspect...
but there is 1more things....
ppl who know me well should know,
i may look strong,
i may look independent,
i may look tough,
yet i also wish i could depend on ppl...
he may thought that we are understand each other enough cause he random have friendship which is more than 2years...
i can guess his heart easily...
but how much he understand me?
i not sure...
aquarius isn't that easy to be understand...
maybe i also not understand myself well enough...
maybe i m really that kind of ppl which last time my 3rd bro said... (qi shi zhe zhong ren hen li hai)
although i m almost forget the content...
but title of blog seems wont be forgotten that easily... (maybe because of it, wat i know is my heart is pain even for that title itself- "jinja apayo")
i think it was a post that criticized me, saying i m pretended?
cant really remember...cause from wat i understand bout him last time is, he feel i m pretending de ba...
i cant say past is past...
i will just say i will move forward...
back to that relation de guy...
he would just look like a kid to let me worry...
maybe i m still not used to be 2 ppl lifes ba...
ws said this: it need to be train...and who else could be accept ur weirdos o??
to ws, although my lunar age is 25, yet according to the real year i m 23 ok???
still young...
still long way to go...
still have a lot of things to fight off...
i dun wish to get myself slow down and enjoy for now...
--------------------------------------------------
tomolo going back to study life liao...
going to meet the same lecturer which her subject i get C+ last time...
i told her this before: i rather u failed me, but dun let me get a C+...because of ur subject all my pointer is been drag of...
been rude to that lecturer isn't?
great....
going to meet her again and see how she gonna torture me...
all senior say she is a cockroach (xiao qiang) that cannot die no matter how many semester de senior had complain bout her...
still her backup are thick enough... :(

fate~

my mum recently like to ask me:
why are u always fall when u in critical exam?
i hate when u fall each time like this...
this is what my mum say to me...
yes, i m back to single life again now...
the main obstacle which both of us (that guy and me) are the obstacles which we respect the most...
god arrangement....
the 2nd relationship (relationship which both parties agree to be couple) end in just 20+ days...
remember last time my tuition tutor told me that i cant involved in relationship...
cause guy will cheat on me...
this time, he dint cheat but just god arrangement being our 1st obstacle...
i m not doing well for my exam...
get another c+ for 1 of the subject...
now cgpa becoming 3.45...
left only 2 semester for me to fight over 3.67 in order to get a 1st class degree hons...
yes, this is my aim...
maybe i m greedy...
maybe i m not measuring my own abilities...
but at least i told myself fight until the end...
not to regret in the future...
yet at the same time i told myself that if i cant get is ok...
just pay the loan..
my mum is worried about me too...
maybe this is really 1st time she seeing me study so hard to get it...
all this while when i was SPM nor STPM, i wont study much instead having myself more on drama...
now what i need is CONCENTRATION, FOCUS ONLY ON STUDY....
back to study life again on 17th feb...
clear off everything, to face a new sem again...
study, assignment and so on...

17th January 2014

a new year, new starting of my life...
how i m moving on, how i m leaving to search for my prince...
yup...i get it liao...
today is the 7th day...
all this while we are sweet...(re lian qi??)
but today we keep argue, keep fighting...
where i m not feeling well...
i told him everything without secret and i also tell him y i m not feeling well...
he is understanding, supporting, loving, respecting everything i done, decision i make...
maybe readers may feel everything will be ok when in "re lian qi"...
i m also waiting how long he will stay with me...
he say i like to talk bout some sort like break up stuff...
i wish told him, i m saying this so that i wont totally happy and prepare a heart if he leave me 1day....
he also asked what he should do, to prove he wont leave me?and will love me until i ask him to leave?
just maintain like this ba...being cute, understanding, supporting and loving me always...
i cant feel the safeness is my own confident which is low on love...
my past relationship does not bring a good result for me...
all this while i just know how to an lian ppl but dunno how to dating...
i feel i will makes my lover tired easily...
and if u tired, i will feel the pain also...
so i wish to see u get ur happiness even without me...
this is me...all this while...
but i realize, if i keep thinking he will get happiness when leave me will make him more sad and tired ba...
so, i promise to try my best not to mention liao...
i will try my best to be confident which i also can give him happiness...
i told him before: when i confirm my feeling ed, den i will never leave u until u told me u love someone else, no feeling or god arrangement...
we r not in stable relation yet...
2more obstacles we need to go through...
one of it is my studies...(if i can concentrate den we goes on, if cant den we break up-he is respecting and understand me, he also worried bout my education...hehe)
after i can went through these obstacles den we will officially together liao...
thanks for loving me...
thanks for giving me happiness...
thanks for understanding me...
thanks for respecting me...
thanks for supporting me...
i try my best to go through the obstacles so that we can create more memories when study time o~
hehe^^

unsafe feeling~

have a nice holiday with junior and senior...

where it also develop a strong friendship between us...

strong connection between us...

is a sweet and good memory...

but i feel myself will going to the dangerous zone...

my junior treat me very nice...

nice until sometimes i feel we are not just a friend...

maybe outsider will feel we are couple ba...

lean on shoulder, massage each other, persuade each other if 1 of us get angry...

very care each other not only health but feeling...

dislike his temper...cause his temper not good at all (same like me)...

but he change a lot because of me or not i not sure...

a lot a lot of things that we understand each other...

main point: am i fall to 1 sided love again?

i m tired....heart feel sour...heart wan to avoid the impossible things...

tears fall down whenever think it will break the friendship...

aquarius ppl always makes ppl who she or he love tired...

this is also 1 reason i dun wan start a new relationship...

i need concentration to move on my life...

need to settle up this messy feeling by this sem break...